


In Time

by aryaautarky



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band)
Genre: I don't know lol, M/M, deals with mental health issues, kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11377062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aryaautarky/pseuds/aryaautarky
Summary: A timeline of sorts.





	In Time

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on AFF April 3, 2017.

When Seunghyun first notices Kwon Jiyong, he’s in primary school. The younger boy is being taken by the ear to the staff room (which happened to be right next to Seunghyun’s classroom) bleeding profusely from a gash on his eyebrow. He’s trying hard not to cry, but a few stray tears make their way down his puffy cheeks. Later, Soohyuk, his bestest friend, tells Seunghyun that Jiyong had been picked on for _‘looking like a girl_ ’- one of the worst insults Seunghyun had ever heard in his eleven years on earth. He readily agrees with his best friend, because Jiyong _does_ look like a girl. He’s pretty. Soohyuk looks at him funny after he says that though, and gravely advises him to never say it again.

Middle school, like it is for a lot of people, is decidedly not a good time for Seunghyun. He’s fat. Like really _really_ fat- the kind of fat people refer to when they make obesity jokes. He becomes nervous and shy, often drawing away from people’s company. His mother and Soohyuk are still his only two friends. This allows him to be something of a wallflower, and he can’t help but notice Jiyong. The younger boy is the exact opposite of him: unbearably skinny and always smiling. Seunghyun thinks that he wouldn’t mind attempting to be friends with the other boy because he seems _kind_ , not like the bullies in his grade. He thinks about offering him some of his home-made japchae during recess. But like most of Seunghyun’s imaginary situations, it stays put where it was formed.

Seunghyun manages to lose a bit of weight when puberty finally hits him in high school. Soohyuk tells him he could easily get a girlfriend now, the ultimate achievement at sixteen. Only Seunghyun starts to realize that he’s really not that into girls. A Google search one fateful night tells Seunghyun he’s probably gay, and he cries for hours in his bed. Ultimately his mother comes in and asks what’s wrong, and Seunghyun tells her _everything_. And to his relief, she wraps her arms around him and kisses his head. She says that it’s okay. That he can be whatever and she’d still love him. Seunghyun calms down after that, and it gives him a new perspective to observe the world around him with. He observes Jiyong. To be fair, it’s hard not to: he’s the most popular boy in his grade. He’s smart, has a ton of friends, and is very attractive. It’s not long before Seunghyun realizes that he’s developed a massive crush on the younger boy, and he harbors it for a long two and a half years. He’s happy and relieved to graduate, but not for the reasons that Soohyuk is.

One year down the line, Seunghyun’s relief disappears. He’s a visual art major in his second year of university when he sees Jiyong floating around the Seoul National University campus. All the attraction he felt previously hits him like a freight train. The younger boy is, typically, with a large group of friends. A cigarette dangles from his lips and his hair is bleached blonde- Seunghyun thinks it looks a little ridiculous, but still thinks Jiyong is the hottest guy he’s ever seen. It’s then that he comes out to Soohyuk, a week after seeing Jiyong, when he hasn’t slept in five days and has an assignment due in four hours. Soohyuk does a very un-Soohyuk-like thing and hugs him. He then says that he _‘had a feeling’._ Which sounds a little condescending to Seunghyun, but whatever. He’s just glad his best friend is still his best friend.

The universe really starts to fuck with Seunghyun when he’s in his final year of university. Or at least that’s what it feels like, when he’s sitting in his tutorial for _Introduction to International Relations_ , an elective course he’s decided to take. Jiyong waltzes into the room in an oversized SNU sweatshirt, his hair now a fiery red, and promptly sits down next to Seunghyun. He introduces himself with a dazzling smile and it takes all the older boy’s willpower not to scream _‘I KNOW’_. Instead, he puts on a smile that he’s sure looks like a grimace and introduces himself right back. Jiyong scrunches up his nose and thinks for a moment, and then asks if they went to the same school. Seunghyun smiles bigger than he has in a long time, and says he _‘thinks so’._ The younger boy says he looks a lot different, and Seunghyun jokes that it’s what living off ramen does to people. It’s not a very good joke, but Jiyong laughs anyway. The room feels a little brighter to Seunghyun.

A few weeks into the semester, Jiyong asks Seunghyun to go out clubbing. He says he can bring his friends (he secretly laughs at the plural) if he wants to. Seunghyun agonizes over it for hours, even though he's sure the younger boy just invited him as an afterthought. He asks Soohyuk to come with him and his friend agrees enthusiastically. He even looks through Seunghyun's admittedly small wardrobe and puts together the least dorky outfit possible- a sweater and jeans. They get to the club and Seunghyun feels nauseous- it's all too much at once. He contemplates going home but a bright mop of hair appears before him and all thoughts of leaving fly out the window. _'Hyung, you came!'_ Jiyong is clearly drunk but it doesn't matter, not when he's smiling at Seunghyun like he's the most important person in the room. He ends up actually having fun. On the taxi ride back home, Jiyong kisses him goodbye and Soohyuk has the decency to pretend that he's not there. It's Seunghyun's very first kiss, and it blows his mind- especially because it's with the younger boy. He gets out of the car in a daze, his grin never leaving his face. He dreams of Jiyong under bright lights.

It's only on the third time Seunghyun and Jiyong kiss that he realizes that the younger boy might be queer too. Because this time, they have sex. It's messy and drunk but to Seunghyun it's perfect. He never knew his body could feel this fantastic. He's never seen a piece of art more beautiful than Jiyong writhing beneath him, forgetting his own name. Basking in their post-coital bliss, Jiyong pokes his dimple and tells him he's ' _gorgeous_ '. And Seunghyun can't control himself, he starts tearing up. He tells Jiyong that he likes him. Really _really_ likes him. The younger boy's face freezes for a second and Seunghyun wonders if he fucked up, but then Jiyong's lips are on his and he's pulling back with a gentle smile. He asks Seunghyun to be his _‘boyfriend'_. Seunghyun can't remember a happier day in his life.

Seunghyun’s mother used to affectionately call him her _‘little Watson’_ , a Sherlock Holmes reference, because he was a very attentive child. He’s been dating Jiyong for six months now and having the time of his life. Jiyong is charming to a fault. He makes Seunghyun feel wanted, excited, happy. But through the shiny newness of their relationship, Seunghyun still notices a few things about his new boyfriend. Firstly, Jiyong can lie as easily as Seunghyun can breathe. He does it all the time: from when he’s asking his professors for essay extensions, to when people ask them their backstory at bars and Jiyong tells them that he’s a retired exotic dancer from Thailand. It’s never malicious, though. It makes Seunghyun laugh. Secondly, Jiyong seems to have little compassion for others apart from Seunghyun. This is apparent when his self-proclaimed best friend, Chaerin, calls Jiyong to cry about her recent bad grades. The younger boy puts on an apologetic tone, but keeps exaggeratingly rolling his eyes in order to make Seunghyun laugh. He supposes it makes Jiyong a little superficial. He still laughs, though.  

Seunghyun only starts to worry when one of their mutual friends, Seungri, dies in a car accident. He’s not worried about Seungri’s family; he’s worried about his boyfriend of three years who looks like someone has just told him that it’s going to rain today. Seunghyun himself is a blubbering mess and Jiyong does his best to comfort him, though none of his words are hitting the mark quite like they normally do. At the wake, Seungri’s parents hand their son’s group of friends (Seunghyun and Jiyong included) the business card of a psychiatrist in case they need counseling. Seunghyun wants to go, he needs to go, and he begs his boyfriend to come with him. Jiyong agrees, but only to support him. Seunghyun goes to the shrink and comes out feeling a lot better. He tells the younger boy to go in too, but is flatly refused. Seunghyun teases him about being scared, at which his boyfriend promptly gets up in a huff and goes inside the office. He comes out fifty minutes later with an unreadable expression on his face. He doesn’t talk a lot on the ride back either. Seunghyun knows that he just needs time to grieve.

_“I’m a sociopath,”_ Jiyong says one day, as he comes in through the door of their shared apartment. Seunghyun is making dinner and he turns around slowly, pork chops forgotten. He knows what sociopaths are. But he asks anyway. Jiyong very calmly takes out his laptop, the one with the wallpaper of the two of them in Jeju on their seven-year anniversary, and shows him a report compiled by the psychiatrist he’d been seeing while lying about _‘working overtime’_ at the law firm. Jiyong says that it’s probably a result of him being physically and sexually abused by his uncle as a child. Seunghyun opens his mouth to comfort him, but takes one look at his boyfriend’s passive face and knows it’s not needed. He turns his attention to the report again, reading diligently. He reads the fifth supposed trait, and his eyes start to water. Seunghyun feels selfish, but he has to: he asks Jiyong if he loves him. Jiyong bites his lip, obviously distressed. _‘I really think I do.’_ The pork chops are burning.

Seunghyun leaves their place to spend a few days at Soohyuk’s after that. He needs to process what his boyfriend has told him. He knows that in Jiyong’s revelation, there’s an unspoken question: _do you still want to be with me?_ He thinks back to how the report stated that the personality disorder doesn’t usually go away, that there’s off chance that maybe someday Jiyong would grow out of it. But really, all Seunghyun can focus on is how his boyfriend must be feeling. His boyfriend who works so hard to support the two of them because Seunghyun’s career as an artist has been in a slump that started since he graduated from university. His boyfriend who never fails to make him happy, though admittedly, it doesn’t take much. His boyfriend who has been going to therapy for years in order to be better. To be better for _Seunghyun_. He thinks he knows his answer.

Seunghyun knows that his boyfriend’s been cheating on him. Jiyong is getting sloppy, coming home with lipstick marks on his shirt collar. A phone check while he’s in the shower reveals that there are, indeed, multiple flirty text messages from a girl named Kiko. He confronts Jiyong, to which his boyfriend simply states that he’s being paranoid. When he brings up the texts, the younger man’s shoulders slump and Seunghyun can practically see him weighing up his options before he admits to his fault. Jiyong quickly defends himself, though. _‘She doesn’t mean anything, love. You know you’re the only one for me.’_ Seunghyun is seeing red, though. He calls his boyfriend a _‘fucking psychopath’_ and tells him to leave. ‘ _Sociopath_ ,’ Jiyong corrects him, looking broken as he leaves the house. And deep down, Seunghyun knows that the personality disorder is making him act this way. That really, Kiko does mean nothing. But what also scares him about this is how okay he is with it all. How he is able to justify Jiyong’s actions so easily. Seunghyun briefly wonders if he has mental health issues as well before he drifts off to sleep. In the morning he wakes up to the whole house decorated in flowers and a very apologetic-looking Jiyong, who swears it _‘won’t happen again’_. Seunghyun feels his resolve crumbling and draws him into a hug.

It does happen again, though. This time Jiyong comes clean about his _‘one-night stand’_ right away. Seunghyun is so mad, he drives to Soohyuk’s house and they go out drinking. Drinking turns into binge drinking, and soon Seunghyun finds himself in a club with a name he doesn’t remember and a guy grinding down on him who is just as unfamiliar. He feels lips on his and Seunghyun has his first kiss in thirty-four years with someone who isn’t Jiyong. And it feels all wrong. This guy doesn’t know to stroke his dimple just the way he likes it, doesn’t own the perfect pair of soft pouty lips, doesn’t pull back and look at him with big brown eyes that make him feel like he's a god. He leaves immediately after. Jiyong finds him on the couch at 4AM, about to drown himself in tears and snot, and immediately wraps him in a warm embrace. Seunghyun tells Jiyong that he cheated. He feels a sick sense of satisfaction feeling his boyfriend tense up and his gaze harden. He has to forgive him though, because he’s done much worse. Jiyong kisses his tears away and wipes his runny nose with his pajama sleeve. He says he ‘deserves it’. That prompts another round of tears from Seunghyun, and Jiyong chuckles, joking that his boyfriend should _‘leave the cheating to him’._ Jiyong gets a good slap across the face.

Seunghyun does feel like Jiyong has more control in their relationship. It’s for the best though; Seunghyun still doesn’t know how taxes work or what to wear to formal events. Today, however, is not one of those days. Today is his boyfriend’s (or partner, as he’s now referred to) forty-first birthday and he’s being fucked senseless into the mattress. And there’s still few things Seunghyun finds as beautiful as Jiyong when his back arches and his eyes roll back as he cries out his orgasm. His boyfriend is as feisty a bottom as they come, but there’s still something incredibly dominant to Seunghyun about topping. It’s definitely not all they have, not by a long shot, but sometimes he feels like it’s one of the key things that hold their relationship together. Jiyong snuggles up next to him after cleaning up, kissing him deeply. Seunghyun is content.

Seunghyun comes home late one day after putting the final touches to his new art exhibition and hears loud sobs coming from the bedroom. He rushes in, to find his partner practically weeping on their bed, wearing Seunghyun’s old SNU hoodie with holiday albums scattered about. Never in the thirty-five years that he’s been with Jiyong has he seen such a display of raw emotion, and he worries that the younger man might be having a panic attack. He’s at his side in an instant, hugging him close and stroking his hair back. Jiyong doesn’t let up for a good ten more minutes. When he does, Seunghyun kisses his cheeks and asks his _Jagiya_ what’s wrong, quietly. Jiyong looks up at him, eyes red but wide and bright, and he feels like this is the first time he’s really seeing the younger man. _‘Seunghyun, I love you. Do you understand? I love you. So fucking much.’_ Another outburst of tears. This time, Seunghyun breaks down too. It’s the happiest day of his life.

 

 


End file.
